The Trump Administration released a statement earlier today saying that they are refusing to participate in the annual turkey pardon at the White House this holiday season.
The statement reads: “This Thanksgiving, we are unable to proceed with the turkey pardoning as planned because the turkey in question is responsible for some of the most heinous, treacherous, and really big crimes that have ever been committed in our country’s history. Period. With the obvious exception of Hillary’s emails.”
Sources at press time say that rumors began flying as even Fox News tried desperately to make sense of these unnamed crimes. Agent Orange himself drew first blood as he tweeted vigorously at the bird (see above).
White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany spoke from behind a bush in the Rose Garden saying “My money is on the turkey being responsible for voter fraud in Pennsylvania, Michigan, and … ouch! … Wisconsin.”
As she pulled thorns from her sleeveless dress she added, “President Trump will take the bird to court to be lambasted by a judge installed last week. ”
On the other side of town, the President’s personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, wobble wobbled to a podium and gave a startling press conference at Ceasar’s Palace and Pizzeria. This off-brand locale offered breathtaking views of the nearby vape factory, while nestled between Sallie Mae’s headquarters and a nonworking laundromat full of your exes.
Giuliani told reporters that the wily plucker was “friends with Osama Bin Laden, had worked in a German factory rigging election machines, and had thousands of dead turkeys we all ate last year vote in heavily Democratic counties.”
Hoping to settle this feather-brained mystery once and for all, an unlikely source came forward to weigh in on Turkeygate. Veteran scene-stealer “The Fly Who Sat on Mike Pence’s Head” spilled the tea about what really went down in the Oval Office before this year’s turkey pardon got the axe.
She went on the record saying: “Vice President Pence told the president that the turkey pardoned gets to live out its natural life at a farm and can’t be eaten. On hearing the news Trump turned as red as a cranberry and said the turkey belonged in a cage and then on a table.”
The VOICE will keep you updated on this ongoing breaking news story.
