Ingrid Ollquist had multiple experiences with grief before she knew she would make it her career.
“It started when I was 15, and had a life-altering confrontation with death,” she says.
After leaving the funeral of a friend who had suffered a tragic death, the driver of the car Ollquist was in ran a red light and t-boned a van, knocking her unconscious.
“I was put in the ambulance, and it was soon after that I heard my friend, the one we all had just buried, talk to me. He told me it was not my time. A wave of warmth and peace then came over me in the midst of the pain and glass,” she says.
Two years after her “near death” experience, Ollquist’s mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.
Ollquist says, “I cared for her until she died. I was a birth doula at the time.”
A birth doula offers emotional and physical support before, during and after pregnancy.
Ollwuist says, “Birth and death roles are quite similar. Both roles focus on asking the right questions to know what’s needed and advocating.”
Because of her experience caring for her mother, Ollquist says she realized working with people at the end of life was the path she was on.
During COVID, Ollquist started an online grief support group which lasted an entire year. Ollquist recognized that people heal in listening spaces where sitting with losses is encouraged and grief is seen as part of life.
Now, at age 31, Ollquist is a grief counselor, community leader, and death doula.
As people become more aware of the need to understand and process grief, more are learning about death doulas and their numbers are growing.
According to the National End of Life Association (NEDA), their national membership in 2019 came to 260. In January 2024, this number rose to over 1600.
Since death doulas can work remotely, people seeking death doula support in New Jersey and Mercer County can take advantage of this increase too.
Therese Marchitelli, a long-time practicing Buddhist, grief counselor and death doula from Mercer County says, “If you think you can work through grief alone, it’s a mistake. Grief affects every area of your life and without intentional guided support, you can make some very bad decisions.”
In her work, Marchitelli helps explain to her clients how the brain processes grief. “And I am there to listen to whatever comes up,” she says.
Nicole Bruno, a marketing analyst from New Jersey, needed assistance when trying to manage a difficult long-distance end-of-life situation. Unfamiliar with death doulas at the time, a friend referred her to Ollquist for support.
Bruno says, “My grandmother was not yet terminal, yet needed lots of care. Every day changes with her health would arise, each time different. I wanted to contribute but New Jersey wasn’t close to Florida. It became exhausting not knowing what arrangements could be made for this in-between situation.”
In addition to making arrangements for her sick grandmother, Bruno had other challenges that left her struggling, she says, “Three weeks before my wedding, my dog also got very sick, and I had to put him down.”
Bruno continues, “Ollquist was always ready with suggestions, very proactive. She helped me talk through my grief. It made a huge difference.”
With a growing number of people like Bruno relying on death doulas to guide them through the grief process, the practice is becoming more recognized.
Kasey March, an end-of-life doula at Doula Care for the Dying, who offers virtual services, recognizes the growing value of death doulas and talks about the role.
March says, “We help families restore sacredness to dying, give respite to exhausted caregivers, offer comfort and affirming space and help with those grieving after death. But what’s missing is their awareness of their own agency, that they can determine strategies within the medical system, that can work for them. So it’s a need for death literacy.”
In addition to her virtual services, March runs Doula Care for Dying, a death doula network in the State of Vermont where there has been an uptick in interest particularly from smaller towns within their network. March says the recognition of the value of death doulas comes when some live nearby and people become familiar with them.
“Absolutely, things [in the death doula field] now are promising”, Ollquist says, adding, “When people feel they are helped in facing their grief, and get what they need when they need it, this makes our times hopeful. I didn’t have that as a teenager when my own world imploded. It’s a communal village mentality coming back around and an important organic resurgence popping up around care. So, I’m very encouraged about the future.”
