Brace yourself for beer on Mars

in National/VIEWPOINTS by

In a year filled with tweets, sex and violence there didn’t seem to be much hope left for humanity, not, that is, until Budweiser pulled through in the clutch.

Just as we were all laying in supplies for Thanksgiving, Anheuser-Busch announced their plan to send barley seeds–the main ingredient in Budweiser beer–into space. Why? Mars beer, of course. They want to produce beer on Mars. No, I’m not kidding.

It’s baby steps, of course. First, they are doing experiments on the exposure and germination of the seeds in space. With the help of the Center for the Advancement of Science in Space, they rocketed those baby buds up to the International Space Station early last week. Now, we wait.

Ricardo Marques, Vice President of Budweiser said in his public statement about Mars beer, “Budweiser is always pushing the boundaries of innovation and we are inspired by the collective American Dream to get to Mars. We are excited to begin our research to brew beer for the red planet.”

I’m all for a cold brew after a long day of terraforming, but somehow it feels like A-B may not have thought this plan through all the way.

According to the Traffic Safety Facts issued by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, “In 2016, 9 percent of drivers involved in a fatal crash during the day were drunk compared to 30 percent at night.”

Now imagine the person blowing the .08 on the breathalyzer is flying the Millennium Falcon, and you start to see the problem. Sure there’s a lot of space out there, and you’d figure a Mars Bud aficionado would have the good sense to swerve out of the way of an oncoming pan-galactic freighter, but can you be sure?

And what about the asteroid belts? It’s one thing to avoid another vessel that doesn’t want to get hit in the first place, but space debris doesn’t care who you are. It’s not going to budge unless your gravitational pull is at least greater than 3.711 m/s² (that’s Mars’s pull, btw).

The death toll could easily double or triple with drunk flying. Due to impairment, spaceships could easily lose control leading to crashing into planets making the numbers grow in deadly rates.

We have to take aliens into account, too. How do we know other life forms can handle their alcohol? After five Mars Beers could ET wobble his way to his bike and phone home?

What about the drunken fights and disputes. Imagine, George Jetson coming home from a night at The Mars Bar to pick a fight with the family in his drunken stupor.

But not all is bad with this idea, we can hold a galaxy beer pong tournament to finally determine if Captain Kirk or Captain Picard is better.

This also could help settle the ongoing feud between Alien and Predator. Sit them down with a cold pitcher of Mars Beer and talk it out the good old fashion way.

The entire galaxy can now raise a glass and “dilly dilly” to A-B for bringing them Mars Beer. Even though we don’t have any human life on Mars or any idea of how to get the human race to Mars, we can rest assured that when we do finally get there, Mars Beer will be waiting.